Clan What Act?
by Garnetio Solozari
Summary: After almost losing his almost-brother Gaara Naruto returns to Konoha, but on his way back he is struck by something, not something physical, more like a foreboding... What will he end up in the middle of this time? And why does he have this odd feeling that he's going to be in way over his head soon? Possible Harem, possible mass crossover, slightly cynical, light grey Naru


**I wrote this because the idea wouldn't get the fudge out of my head. I would be willing to continue if I get enough love for this fiction. Several plans in my head on how to proceed.**

 **Possible Harem Fic?**

 **Possible Mass Crossover?**

 **Possible Anything!?**

 **I own nothing except a small box of assorted cookies, and a copy of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Just look at those large, friendly letters spelling out DON'T PANIC.**

 **~Link Start~**

"Naruto, is everything okay?"

As our story begins, it is far from the true beginning, though here is where the story diverts and tangents onward in a different direction than originally intended. You see, anyone who is anyone knows the original tales of Uzumaki Naruto. From his tough beginnings, on through his many struggles, and even into the future as dreams become reality, and love flourishes, nearly anyone who knows of Naruto can attest. What most people also know is that this particular blonde is the unfortunate victim of Multiversial Destinitis, or in layman's terms, the inflammation of one's destinial glands. Most everyone has an immunity to this particular condition, but a select few are born without, and their suffering is something of nightmares.

Such severe inflammation to the destinial glands results in an exponential increase in one's destinies. As science has theorized, there are nigh infinite possibilities of parallel realities with untold divergences and nuances. When one is immune to Multiversial Destinitis, one can exist in the comfortable embrace of mundane, uneventful existence across time and space immeasurable. Sufferers of the aforementioned condition are both completely oblivious of their predicament, and highly likely to experience things ranging from unrealistic joy, to unfathomable pain. Because of the unpredictability of the illness, omnipotent beings such as deities, demons, immortal constructs, and spiritual representations of former mortals often intervene and create chaotic shenanigans that more often than not improve the existence of the pitiful mortals across the cosmos.

As mentioned, Uzumaki Naruto is one of the worst cases of MD on record, and this particular instance of his existence is no better. The divergence began while Naruto was away from his home village in pursuit of his friend and brother-in-chakra, Gaara, better known as the Godaime Kazekage. He'd been taken by two incredibly dangerous individuals from the infamous mercenary group Akatsuki, and the recovery team sent from Konoha arrived too late to save his life. It was by the grace of Kami that the elder Chiyo, the famous medical ninja and former leader of Sunagakure's Puppet Brigade, performed a miracle and brought the young Kazekage back to life, even if the cost was her own. In the end the fate of at least one of the criminals responsible had been sealed, and Naruto's team, plus their reinforcements, set off back to Konoha with mixed reactions.

The return trip had started slow and relaxed with brief conversations back and forth. Naruto's team of himself, Sakura, and their sensei Kakashi were accompanied by the eccentric ninja Maito Gai and his students Hyuga Neji, Tenten, and Rock Lee. The two sets of young people were traumatized by the disturbing, albeit comical, sight of Gai giving his eternal rival Kakashi a piggyback ride to help his long time friend get back home safely. The two were out of sight so quickly that most of them wondered if Gai was some kind of supernatural being, one with a balance of superhuman capabilities to go along with his horrendous fashion sense. The only one of them not disturbed by the sight was Lee, who immediately offered to give his own rival a similar ride… that ended in immediate and blunt refusal.

It was about the time that the familiar walls of Konoha came into sight that Naruto, the usually loudmouthed, idiotic, knuckleheaded ninja who didn't know when to accept that no meant no… stopped abruptly and had to lean against the trunk of a tree for support. This caught the attention of the entire party, Lee being the first to rush to his side followed closely by Sakura. Naruto's eyes, normally full of life and the burning flames of high spirits, trembled in an unfocused and skittish fashion, his free hand twitching a bit. As the medic of the group, Sakura began performing several scans over his body while attempting to get his attention. Her voice was calm, though everyone could sense an undertone of worry.

Naruto began to refocus and looked around at his pink haired teammate with confused eyes, "S…Sakura, I just had a really… terrible sense of foreboding."

He saw the girl flinch back a little and he was unsure of why, but for now he was too worried about this strange cold that had crept up his spine. When she next spoke she sounded even more concerned, "What do you mean, Naruto? And how do you even know what foreboding means?"

Naruto's face lost every bit of it's haunted gloom as he dead panned, "You realize I traveled for over two years with a world renowned author, right? You think I didn't have to sit through a few lectures on grammar and vocabulary?"

With the return of his usual idiotic attitude came the realization that the same idiot had made her worry. Her ingrained response to his usual antics being violence, she attempted to grab his jacket collar and shake the ever loving shit out of him. Of course, she wasn't expecting him to suddenly evade her, thus causing her chakra infused hands to pierce the tree trunk that had been behind him. As she blinked the shock away she turned her head to the side and looked right at the blonde. Naruto, just as shocked by his reaction, was leaned over and using chakra to stick to the tree, his eyes as big as saucers, "Wha… did you just… dodge?"

Naruto moved back to the tree branch so he could relax his chakra coils and he stared as his body, "I think I did… this feels wrong."

"Naruto-kun, you aren't behaving in a proper youthful fashion. What's wrong, my friend?" Lee's usual exuberance was drained as he too felt something off, even if he was usually even more oblivious than Naruto with certain things.

Nearby Neji stood on a branch in a different tree observing them with his Byakugan. He could most certainly feel an odd rippling taking place in the Strands of Fate, considering he was a Fate alumnus. So far he could tell that physically Naruto was fine, and he wasn't lying. Something big was going on, and whatever it was he didn't like it, not one bit. He would grudgingly admit that he considered Naruto a friend after the events that took place during his first Chuunin Exams. He didn't know why he knew, but he just _knew_ someone, somewhere, was plotting to manipulate Naruto's life in a way that would affect the entire Elemental Nations. Shikamaru was right… blondes were troublesome.

"Neji, you look tense, what is it? Can you see something wrong with Naruto?" Tenten, the Weapons Mistress of Konoha, was feeling anxious as she played with several shuriken between her fingers.

Neji deactivated his Byakugan before crossing his arms over his chest, "I can't see anything wrong with Uzumaki-san, but I can feel something looming over our group, specifically over him. I do not know why… but I do not look forward to returning to Konoha."

Tenten watched Naruto trying to convince Lee that he was fine and that he absolutely did not want a piggyback ride back to Konoha. She couldn't help a small giggle as she watched Naruto dodge Lee's Youthful Embrace of Brotherhood, "I'm sure whatever it is he'll be fine, I mean, he has been through more than most of us and come out on top."

"Perhaps… I don't like this feeling. I can only hope that you're correct." Neji looked toward Konoha and could almost see the malicious aura that the village was giving off. His musings were cut short when he heard the familiar yelling of his blonde friend, and even with the strange foreboding he couldn't help the small smirk tugging at his lips.

"I said I was fine Lee, 'ttebayo!" Naruto was huffing as he held the excitable green beast in a headlock that was surprisingly subduing the normally untamable boy, "Let's just get going, I want to get to Konoha and enjoy some ramen before granny ends up sending me on some C-ranked mission to Kami knows where!"

As the life and fire that Lee admired in Naruto came back in his screaming and ranting he gave a huge grin and easily slipped free of his friend's attempt to hold him down. He sprang back and gave his most stunning good guy pose, teeth glinting in the sun that was cascading down through the leaves above, "Yosh, my youthful rival, that's more like it! Upon our return I will join you for some of your ramen, and should I eat less than you, I will run around Konoha one hundred and fifty times while eating an additional bowl for each lap, and should I fail again, I will-"

Tenten had had enough and threw one of her old storage scrolls toward her obnoxious teammate, the small scroll slamming into his head with enough force to create a large welt that grew up and out of his oddly shaped hair, "Lee, you idiot, that's enough of your ridiculous masochist nonsense!"

"Ahh~ Tenten, you can't ask me to put out the flames of my youth! I owe it to Gai-sensei to continue his legacy and bring the flames of youth to the hearts of all of Konoha and the Elemental Nations, no matter what hardships I must endure!" Lee fell to his knees in a pleading pose while facing the tree where his beloved teammates were standing. His face was one of pure misery as fountains of tears poured from his tightly pinched eyes.

Naruto was hiding behind Sakura, his hands on her right shoulder with his head peeking over her shoulder to observe the eccentric ninja, "Bushy-brows… is insane."

The pink haired kunoichi stood with her entire body shaking, her brain suffering a near aneurism from the sheer stupidity of her second most annoying fanboy, "Must… resist… urge to punish him…"

The five young shinobi each suddenly tensed as several chakra signatures blurred into existence around them. Neji was the first to react as he subtly activated his Byakugan, and when he saw the familiar silhouettes of ANBU operatives in the foliage around them he brought up his hand to alert the rest of his friends that they should stand down, "Hold on. They are ANBU, I recognize them from the Gate team."

Everyone visibly relaxed as the only Jonin among them announced the identity of their almost enemy. As if on cue, each of the ANBU operatives seemed to melt into existence around them, each crouching on one tree or another. The leader, judging by his or her unique weapons and armor augmentations, shimmered into being standing right beside Naruto, their expressionless white animal mask seemingly glaring at the blonde, though there was no obvious sense of ill intent. Neji, feeling responsible for his lower ranked comrades, leapt over to stand beside Naruto, said ninja still acting strangely and without his usual glowing enthusiasm and spirit.

"Nezumi-san, forgive our delay, Uzumaki-san of team Kakashi was suffering mild fatigue, so we stopped to rest until he could continue." Neji put on his stoic, unshakable Hyuga façade in order to deal with the sudden renewed feeling of anxiety. The timing of these ANBUs' arrival was too perfect, too unexpected.

Nezumi regarded the Hyuga Jonin for a few moments before removing a small scroll from his pouch and unrolling it to display his orders for Neji, making sure of course to keep all the sensitive details away from the famous eyes of the Hyuga, "Under orders from the council we have been sent to escort Uzumaki Naruto directly to their chambers. Debriefing for his current mission will be deligated to his teammate Haruno Sakura. In compensation for the inconvenience of their summons the council had agreed to an additional sum of funds that will be attached to her standard mission pay at the end of the day. Are we clear?"

Neji scrutinized the parchment with his Byakugan active, something that was beginning to strain him due to the successive reactivations in the past half hour. Everything required for the summons to be legitimate was provided, including the signature of the Hokage. Something was off, he hadn't made Jonin for nothing, but without proper cause he could be accused of treason for getting in their way. With a heavy heart he looked at Naruto and the two of them exchanged a silent conversation. They say that you never truly communicate with someone until the both of you have fought with all your strength. Neji looked at Naruto, and Naruto looked back at Neji, and after a few minutes the both of them nodded.

Neji turned back to the ANBU and noticed that his chakra was flaring as if he detected a threat, "We understand. Uzumaki-san will go with you, and the rest of us will make our way back on our own."

Nezumi stood stock still while observing the group from behind their mask, waiting for any sign of defiance. The blonde they'd come for willingly stepped forward without hesitation in his steps, even when the pink haired kunoichi they were ordered specifically to leave behind tried to grasp at his obscene jumpsuit. When Naruto was within range Nezumi signaled for their comrades to move in and take him, the first on the scene being their second in command Hebi. The snake masked shinobi grasped the shoulder of the Uzumaki noticeably rougher than was necessary for a side-by-side Shunshin, and before anyone could react the two were gone in a small breeze, several cascading leaves the only evidence of their previous existence.

One by one the ANBU vanished from the surroundings and Neji couldn't shake the feeling that something bad was going to happen. It did not get any better when he noticed Nezumi staring at him and his group, and while the mask covered their face well, there was something predatory… menacing. Nezumi was soon the last ANBU standing among them, their eyes invisible behind the dark circles cut into the eerie white mask. Whoever they were, they seemed focused on Sakura, and Neji could tell the young Chuunin was growing more and more uncomfortable by the moment. And then, they were gone, their body flickering away back to the village, and a breath that none of them knew they were holding in was released in a chorus of sighs.

"Neji, what do you think is going on with Naruto-kun? I sensed a great deal of… unyouthfulness coming from those ANBU." Lee had his head bowed as his fists clenched tightly in worry; he would no doubt be pounding the life out of many boulders that afternoon to deal with his anxiety, and perhaps several hundred squat thrusts wouldn't hurt either.

The Hyuga closed his eyes letting the veins recede as his chakra settled, "I don't know, but whatever it is set off everyone here, some more than others. Perhaps the word foreboding is a bit off… it was more like our danger senses firing. Come, I would return as quickly as possible and speak to Hiashi-sama about this."

With a determined exclamation of 'yosh' the miniature green beast shot off toward Konoha like a human rocket, the rest of the two teams following after with renewed vigor. Tenten remained silent as she contemplated everything that had happened. Being a member of a lower civilian family she was unaware of the kind of power the council possessed, since she was often overlooked for her gender, specialization, and lack of clan status. That being said, even she could tell there was something highly irregular going on, and if the tension in Neji's shoulders was anything to go by she knew she was right. Naruto was obnoxious, loud, and a little flamboyant at times, but he was an all around good guy. He was always going out of his way to cheer up his friends and comrades, always working harder than anyone just to keep up with his peers and stand by their side, and someone like that was someone worth worrying for, even if the two of them hardly knew each other. She had a feeling that if she were ever in trouble he would tear up the entire Fire Country to make sure she was all right, and damn it all… she would do the same for him, albeit begrudgingly, and he would get home roughed up by her weapons for being an idiot and getting into trouble… the idiot.

Sakura wasn't fairing any better than the others as her mind worked a mile a minute to piece together everything that she had observed. ANBU left the village under orders of the Hokage only, so whatever was going on had something to do with her Mistress. The problem was, the ANBU hadn't mentioned Tsunade-sama once during their exchange, however their order scroll served to negate that issue, if only legally. Then, there was the fact that she had been required to hand in her report alone, something not altogether uncommon since teams usually delegated such things to their most tactful and responsible member. But, if Tsunade was in a council meeting that required Naruto's presence, then she wouldn't be able to give her report until after anyway, which begged the question: why couldn't Naruto still attend the debriefing if it had to wait until she was back in her office?

' _Something isn't right here… I have a feeling that something is going to happen to our team again… Naruto, be okay!'_ With that thought she put an extra kick into her leaping in order to move as quickly as possible.

 **~Line Break~**

Naruto had been dropped off at the Hokage Tower and given instructions to go directly to the basement level. He'd never been down to the sublevel of the tower before, and as he descended the chilly stairs towards the brightly lit hallway leading to the Council Hall he realized he was glad for it. The hall was plain and boring, but that did nothing to remove the trepidation he was feeling as he looked toward the fluorescent lights in the ceiling. Said ceiling was a drop style with perpendicular beams holding up cheap rectangular sheets of Kami knows what. He noted that one of them was stained at the corner, probably from a leaky pipe upstairs. As he proceeded down the hall he began to hear the hushed voices of people having a heated discussion.

At the hall's end there were two doors made of fine mahogany wood, their design rather bland, but he could tell there were a plethora of seals integrated into the wood grain in order to disguise them. Too bad for their creator… he'd been observing the work of his Master for a couple years. Was he a wiz kid? No, but he could certainly recognize sealing that was trying too hard to be subtle, and that door might as well have been created by an academy student. They are called the Sealing Arts for a reason, and if you didn't have the right creativity to fully comprehend the art, you ought not try.

With the doors in sight he also found the source of the heated exchange standing directly outside of the room. One was his Master, the perverted sage Jiraiya, and to be honest Naruto was more confused than pleased to see him in Konoha. He'd been under the impression the flamboyant old toad would be away for some time investigating the Akatsuki. What on Earth would he be doing here? And why was he arguing with Tsunade? Tsunade, the Godaime Hokage of Konoha, was standing opposite the toad sage with her hands clenched tightly, her entire body shivering in suppressed emotions. Even in her state of… emotional turmoil?... the woman was a damn bombshell. Of course it was all a ruse with a special illusion of her own design, but damn did she make herself look good. Curvy in all the right places, proper alignment of her assets, and her perfect administration of cosmetics that brought out her eyes and full lips. He hated Jiraiya for drilling all of these observation tactics into his brain for two years straight…

"Tsunade, I just don't understand… why the hell would you do this to him?! After everything… after his parents… after I…" Jiraiya, for the first time since Naruto met him outside the ladies hot springs, was spluttering and talking nonsense, his entire being wrought with a depressed and desperate aura.

Naruto was stopped in his tracks as he heard Jiraiya's trembling voice, and then he heard the reply from Tsunade that only further confused him. Her voice was equally as unstable, and there were tell-tale signs of her being very close to breaking down. Her voice was thick and shaking, mouth clearly gummed up, nose a bit stuffy forcing her voice to change dramatically from the strong and intimidating Hokage he knew into something soft, troubled, and vulnerable.

"I told you I didn't know! I don't know when it happened, or how, or why even… I swear, this has never happened… this shouldn't have happened… please believe me, I would never." Tsunade broke off then as she fell into the wall, her body trembling as her restrained tears finally fell.

Naruto watched Jiraiya move forward and take the woman into his arms, and for the first time in their short time together, the blonde teen saw his Master hold a woman properly. There was no lecherous smirk, no bleeding nose as her assets pressed into him, no wandering hands… just the comforting arms of a man who understood that the woman he loved was in need of his strength. Naruto watched silently as he imagined himself comforting a woman like that, holding onto her, whispering assurance that even should the world burn, the flames would never touch her. There was a time when there would only be one woman in his wildest dreams that he would love, hold, cherish, and devote his entirety to, and while those feelings would never fully die, he was at the age where his mind had opened to the possibilities that there might be another, somewhere, who could fulfil that place in his dreams and in his heart. It didn't help that he'd been given the task of proofreading his Master's latest work, and while the tasteless erotica was a bit unnerving, his Master was a romantic at heart and his work did reflect it.

Out of respect for the two Sannin and their privacy Naruto chose to lean on the wall and close his eyes. He imagined that he looked an awful lot like his former teammate, and while that usually gave him dry heaves, the bastard didn't have a copyright on the 'relaxed cool guy' pose. Anyway, he began to consider everything he'd overheard on his way down the hall, and he just knew it had something to do with him. Tsunade, while a wonderful woman with more room in her heart than most when it came to caring for others, her habit of bashing about her closest male loved ones aside of course, did not invest that level of affection and worry for many, and it was obvious that the object of her despair wasn't Jiraiya. And then there was his Master who kept everyone at arms length due to his constant traveling. The man cared nothing for anyone he met, save a select few who he begrudgingly accepted as precious people, so the likelihood of the two of them behaving so emotionally for anyone besides him was very slim, especially since his presence was specifically demanded by the council.

However long he'd been musing he didn't know, but he was woken up from his introspection by the firm grip of his Master's hand on his shoulder, "Hey Gaki, good to see ya ain't dead without the Gallant Jiraiy there to save the day and steal the ladies hearts."

Naruto looked up into his Master's laughing face and he could tell that his boisterous laughter and brilliant smile were completely fake. He'd seen this face in the field, it was used while he intimidated his enemies or pulled fast ones on opposition spies. Jiraiya had never used this smile on Naruto before… and that was exactly what helped Naruto fully realize just how bad things were. He didn't have the right state of mind to play around with Jiraiya, so he kept the normally goofy and idiotic mask off as he spoke to his Master.

"Jiraiya-sensei… I'm fucked, aren't I?" Naruto saw Jiraiya flinch when he'd been addressed so respectfully, but what Naruto was unaware of was the fact that Jiraiya had been more effected by the defeated tone he'd used than the words, "At least tell me whether it was something I did or not, please. I'd rather face the music with the notes in front of me, even if there isn't any time to practice the tune, ne?"

Jiraiya was both incredibly sad, and extremely proud of his student, an odd mixture to be sure, but nothing was ever quite normal with Naruto. He was sad because there was nothing but bad news waiting for him in that room and he was forbidden fron revealing anything to him outside of that damnable chamber. On the other end of his emotional teeter-totter he was so proud of his student for standing strong in the face of bleak odds, trying to keep a few steps ahead of his current enemies, and using such poetic imagery. Damn if that boy wasn't so terrible with women he would be the greatest protégé in the history of the world, and Icha Icha would be passed on to a worthy wordsmith. Then again, perhaps being terrible with women was Kami's way of granting him a small mercy…

"All games aside… yeah, you're not in a very good spot. I'm sure you know that I can't speak of anything out here, and I will likely not be given the… privilege… of speaking on it within the council chamber. What I can say… is that my little tadpole has always swam gracefully, and even if the waters of the pond are rough, it will always be his home. Now come, let's join Tsunade-hime and the Bastard Brigade, ne?" Jiraiya couldn't muster a smile for Naruto, but he did place a supportive hand on his shoulders.

Naruto took a deep breath before putting on his war-face, "Not like this kind of thing isn't common place by now. Running into rogue ninjas on my first real mission, saving countries before my voice cracked, upstaging prodigies and thwarting invasions, and countless other filler crap in between… this is just another lap around the field."

As the two of them strolled down the hall toward the council chamber the loud and genuine laughter of Jiraiya the Toad Sage echoed clear up to the ground floor above.

 **~Scene Shift~**

The first thing running through Naruto's mind as he sat in an uncomfortable straight backed chair in the middle of the council chamber was how much he really didn't want to be there. This feeling had nothing to do with impending doom, or the fact that there were no windows, or even the scent of blood that hung in the air from POWs past. No, he wanted to be anywhere else in Konoha because of the intense glare being sent his way by Hyuga Hiashi, and not because he felt intimidated, it was more the fact the man looked constipated rather than seething, which was clearly the impression he was shooting for. Apart from him, there were only two other council members openly expressing their emotions for all to see, one of whom was the subtly beautiful mother of his teammate, Haruno Mebuki. Said woman was giving him a rather stern look, which he could tell had been passed down to her daughter.

The other council member present that couldn't contain their emotions was, unsurprisingly, Inuzuka Tsume, the wild beauty that had brought forth Inuzuka Kiba. In the past she'd been one of four adults who had shown him any form of kindness or apathy. She'd welcomed him into her home and given him chores to complete with her son before the two of them could run off and play. They were such adorable little pups, and Naruto had never been one to complain when helping his friend around the house, always grateful for the snacks the Inuzuka matriarch provided, and respectful in his own unique way by calling her old lady. With time he and Kiba grew apart, especially when Kiba had begun to develop his Alpha mentality. The boy had eagerly led several groups of children in bullying Naruto, and their friendship had instead evolved into a grudging rivalry.

Tsume was seated between the Akimichi Clan Head Chouza, and the head of the Kurama Clan, a lesser clan that Naruto had never given time to learn much about. While most everyone on the shinobi side of the room was maintaining a stoic and indifferent expression to hide their disapproval, Tsume was actively leaving trenches in the table in front of her with her feral claws, her teeth clenched so tightly you could almost hear them grinding. Chouza was visibly sweating as his eyes, which seemed to squint at a near constant rate, were clearly shifting between the far wall and the seethng woman's hand on the table. While the markings left by her angry mauling weren't meant to be in any specific configuration, he would swear the Kanji for Death had been dug into the table.

Naruto didn't bother to look around any further as trying to read into anyone else's emotions would be pointless. Whatever was happening was clearly all ready decided, he would rather the people in charge spat it out so he could leave and drown whatever sorrows he was about to feel in some delicious ramen. Jiraiya had been exchanging a few last minute words with Tsunade, and the look on his face made it clear that nothing had changed, or at least nothing had gotten better. And like a switch the woman who had been vulnerable and broken in the hall was buried beneath the brash, hard, and confident Hokage that Naruto admired and considered family, even if he did steal glances at her inappropriately from time to time. He was a guy so…

"Genin Uzumaki Naruto, I am afraid that your presence here is… unfortunate, but I will ask that you keep your emotions in check until I have finished speaking. I trust that you can accomplish this?" Tsunade gave Naruto one of her looks, and he was sure that the woman was expecting him to flash some kind of silly grin and rub his head in that endearing way that had women cooing at him.

Instead, he gave her a blank look and a swift nod, "By your order, Hokage-sama." His tone was near lifeless, though he spoke her title and respectful honorific with the tone she was due, both as his respected leader, and the woman he cared for and would never truly insult in front of so many of the village elite. Any other time that he'd called her Hokage-sama, he'd done so with a sing-song voice, his eyelid pulled down, tongue flailing in a raspberry. That kid was still in him, still bright and sunny and desperate for acknowledgement, but this was hardly the time for him to come out.

To her credit Tsunade held her head high and did not flinch, regardless of the defeated tone and the complete removal of all informal affection from his banter, "Very good. We have called you for two reasons, and it does not please me in any way, shape, or form, to speak on either order of business. However, I cannot let my personal opinions rule the day, and it is with a heavy heart that I endure until all official business is settled and understood fully by both the Council and you. As of… this morning, the Council…" Here she gave half of the shinobi and the entire civilian council a rather harsh glare, "…confirmed the passing of a bill that places you under a rather old and barbaric law established mere months after what many perceive as the end of the Warring States Period. This law is referred to… as the CEA, or the Clan Eradication Act."

The atmosphere in the room seemed to drop in temperature after several of the civilians on the council began sniggering. The amused sounds ended abruptly only to be followed by several bouts of coughing and wheezing. As soon as the chill had settled it was gone as if it had never been, and several of the shinobi were sweating profusely. Tsunade looked at Naruto and saw the confusion behind his cerulean eyes, and she found herself struggling to continue, but she knew that if she didn't then there would be another to act, and they would not be as kind or reassuring in their tone as she was attempting to be. True to his word, the boy kept quiet, and his eagerness to hear more was evident only by his unsettled shifting in his seat.

"The… Clan Eradication Act… was developed and finalized by the Nidaime during a time of uncertainty. At the time… clans were allying left and right, and some were incredibly unstable. To preserve the Bloodlines of particularly powerful clans another law was created… but that is irrelevant. The CEA works to help minimize and eventually remove harmful or unwanted Bloodlines, sickly or weak clans, or clans that are particularly unstable and susceptible to bouts of harmful psychotic fits. Somehow… the people of this council discovered medical records that had been labeled classified by the Sandaime… and the identity of your mother confirms that you are the last known survivor of the Uzumaki Clan. As is your right to know, her name was Uzumaki Kushina…

With this information available to the members of this council, certain individuals desired confirmation, so blood testing was conducted in our own lab facilities, and the results have come up positive. There is no doubt that you are of the Uzumaki Clan, and as it's sole survivor you were to be confirmed as Clan Head upon your promotion to Chuunin. You would have been informed sooner, but the Sandaime left specific instructions that this information be withheld for your safety. I apologize for whatever emotional turmoil this news has brought, but I must continue.

With solid evidence the council held session some time ago between the death of Sarutobi Hiruzen and my own inauguration, and paperwork was written up to be observed and signed by myself at the earliest convenience. Due to… certain circumstances… the paperwork was signed by my hand, and later notarized… and it has been decided by this body that the Uzumaki Clan has been deemed too dangerous to allow its continuation, and therefore you have been placed under the CEA effective immediately."

Naruto was looking down into his lap while his hands were clenching at his pants tightly. Instead of crying or behaving in a childish manner, he instead focused all of his emotions into one: anger. Perhaps angry was downplaying it a little… he was absolutely livid. His entire life he'd wished he was a part of something, especially a family, and he'd been denied for years, and now… on the same day that he was allowed to know about his family… it was to be eliminated?! The hell kind of shit did he pull off in a past life to deserve the crap he had to deal with? Again, as a showing of his infamous will power, he held his tongue and awaited Tsunade's signal that he could speak.

Tsunade could tell that her advisors were simply itching to proceed and inform the boy of his new restrictions, but she would not allow anyone the satisfaction of hurting him with their leering eyes and condescension. She cleared her throat before continuing on where she left off, "As the law stipulates, you and any other Uzumaki as of yet discovered are hereby prohibited from engaging in any form of legal marriage within the Fire Country. Any Uzumaki currently residing in the Fire Country may not engage in relations with any member of the opposite gender outside the parameters of a platonic friendship, familial relations, business association, and any other social interaction that does not allude to the possibility of romantic entanglement. Are there any questions?"

"Yeah, I got one… what exactly did I do to doom my clan with this harsh punishment?" Naruto's voice was shaking with suppressed rage.

Tsunade was about to speak when she was beat to the punch by Haruno Mebuki, the civilian woman's voice not nearly as shrill as her daughter's, but it was certainly powerful enough to carry through the chamber, "This village was unfortunate enough to house only three Uzumaki who were of the clan's main branch, and as far as records show their temperament has always been trouble. Uzumaki Mito, while before most of our time, was legendary for her fits of rage that left the Shodaime injured on more than one occasion. Your mother, Uzumaki Kushina, was another one known for her bad temper and dangerous behavior. Often times she would bully her fellow classmates in the Academy, and even into her years as a kunoichi she was known to leave her fellow ninja injured for the slightest offense. And then we have you… you have been a menace for years, particularly your early years terrorizing the innocent citizens of this village with property damage and your complete disregard for human decency. In your files there are several instances where your decisions in the field as a shinobi have been instinctual, and with the addition of your condition… you are far too dangerous for your own good. It is in the best interests of this village that your line ends with you."

Naruto snapped his head toward the civilian with his cerulean blue eyes glowing with cold, calm fury, "And just how is it that you, a civilian, have the detailed records of three registered shinobi, Haruno-san?"

Mebuki, to her credit, did not outwardly flinch, though on the inside she was sweating with anxiety, "I have no such records, boy. The behavior of Uzumaki Kushina is something of legend among my generation, and the actions of Uzumaki Mito are taught in the history classes, which you would know if you hadn't been a delinquent. As for you, I have been keeping an eye on my daughter since the day she was assigned to a team with you. Your actions toward her have always been inappropriate, and your actions while in the field have been far too reckless and have put her in harms way. Many members of the community feel the same based on rumors and facts that have spread through the village about your actions in the past."

Naruto was quiet for a moment before his body began to shake, and then he began to chuckle under his breath. The sound was unnerving and sent everyone in the room on edge, save for Tsunade who had a narrowed glare targeting the blonde civilian woman who'd spoken so harshly to one of her very few loved ones, Jiraiya who was watching Naruto with knowing eyes, and Tsume who had a wicked grin on her lips as she imagined the teen going on a rampage and putting all the pigs in the room over a spit. Naruto's mirthless laugh grew in volume and continued for a few minutes before he finally let his head lean back and his eyes locked onto the dark ceiling above.

"Well, at least I understand what's going on now, mostly." He muttered under his breath and closed his eyes.

Mebuki sneered, "What was that, boy?"

Naruto waved his hand about dismissively, "Never mind that, Haruno-teme. Hokage-sama, if it would please you, I would like to hear the second piece of business I am here for so that I can go home and… think."

Tsunade smirked a little as she watched the previously unflappable woman spluttering with indignant and inaudible complaints, "Well, the second order of business was something of a misunderstanding that I wanted to clear up. During your absence from the village for training your shinobi license expired and because there was no time between your arrival and the emergency message from Suna, you were sent away without proper authorization, and normally such actions would warrant punishment. I have decided to wave it considering the error was partially my own, and because certain members of the council were likely to try and overrule my decision I thought it best to discuss it here. I will not be changing my mind, nor will anyone seeking to punish Uzumaki Naruto for his actions be allowed to do so under my nose, or there will be hell to pay. That being said, report to my office as soon as possible so that Shizune can help you fill out your renewal forms. Now, if there are no objections I think this meeting is adjourned?"

Before anyone could move from their spots Naruto's voice cut through the din and everyone froze, "Hokage-sama, in light of recent events… I respectfully decline."

Tsunade eyed Naruto with a scrutinizing glare before her reply came in nearly a whisper, "Excuse me, Naruto?"

Naruto stood up and slowly untied the knot behind his head until his forehead protector came loose, his hair falling slightly to shadow his forehead. He walked over to Tsunade, his steps echoing through the room, every eye keeping up with his pace. When he was standing before the female Hokage who was seated behind the broad table where many of her documents were neatly kept in piles, he gave her a small smile meant only for her. The action caused her heart to clench, and even before he said a word, she knew what he was about to do. In a slow, creeping movement he placed the forehead protector on the table within her arm's reach, the black fabric folded neatly as if he were placing it on the coffin of a fallen comrade.

"I haven't been a member of this military for very long, but in that time I have done everything I could to prove I was worthy to wear that proud symbol. For four years I suffered through the harshness of the academy, my academics corrupted by people like Mizuki-teme, and my chakra control overlooked by those seeking any reason to hold me back. I was placed on a team where I was hated, disrespected, looked down upon, and brushed aside for those deemed more important. Still, with all of those handicaps, I was able to save two countries, countless innocents across the nations, and nearly the entire population of this very village from nigh impossible odds. And finally, I sacrificed two and a half years of my life to some of the most grueling, intense, and physically damaging training I have ever endured to further protect this village from those who would take me away and use my burden to likely bring ruin on everyone from the Land of Waves to Wind Country.

My reward is to return home and be told that the one thing I have always wanted is no longer within my reach. I cannot have a family, and I cannot seek out those of my own blood for fear they too will be denied. And no matter what I do, I will never be able to leave this village, because as much as the people here despise me for my burden, the military will never allow their greatest weapon to get away. So, I am stuck here in Konoha, no hope at a future and no hope of collecting the past. A fitting reward for someone who has given so much and asked for so little in return. And so, if all of my hard work is worthless to the people of this village, then I see no reason to continue, so I will not be renewing my shinobi license.

This forehead protector means a lot to me, so I would appreciate if you kept it for me, Hokage-sama. If you can't, then please see to it that Umino Iruka gets it as a token of my appreciation for giving it to me in the first place. I'd keep it and frame it, but unfortunately I don't think anyone here would want me walking out of here with it."

Naruto gave one of his fake grins, his eyes shut tight to hide the immeasurable hurt and pain that would likely break anyone else in his position. He turned and walked over to Jiraiya who'd been standing nearby watching the exchange with dark eyes. When the two toad summoners were standing face to face, Naruto did something that he likely would never have done in a million years: he gave Jiraiya a deep bow while keeping his face turned toward the floor.

"Sensei, I know you're probably very disappointed in me for this, and for that I'm sorry. At least it wasn't a hindrance on your work, and we did have a bit of fun out there, right?" Naruto stood back up and was wearing his goofy mask for the sake of the man who would likely now be his former Master, "I hope that you and the Toad Summons decide to keep me on the contract. I still owe Boss and Kichi some sake and snacks for all the trouble they got me out of over the years. Keeping promises and all, ya know what I mean?"

Jiraiya put on one of his infamous smirks to keep up the façade for his beloved student, "Of course! I'll get in contact with Bunta as soon as we're out of here. The Great Toad Sage will likely skin us all if we even consider kicking you off the contract, ya damn brat."

No matter how good an act the older shinobi and newly minted civilian were putting on, every one of the council members in the room with any legitimate training as a shinobi could see how hollow their laughter and banter really was. Both of them were hurting inside and covering it up with their usual silly behavior, and both would likely vanish for a few days to find solace in their own unique ways. Everyone on the shinobi side of the council that had voted against the boy during their backdoor meetings three years ago were feeling the full weight of their decisions. Naruto, the most loyal, the most determined shinobi in their ranks… had just openly retired in front of them. There wasn't a member there who didn't have a child in their clan who'd fought alongside the blonde at one point or another. Even the naysayers had heard the younger generation praising his determination and willingness to put his own life on the line for the sake of his team.

Seeing the many looks of regret on the traitorous retches around her gave Tsume a sense of satisfaction, regardless of how much anger still writhed within her. Not waiting for anyone else to make the first move she stood up and stalked out of the chamber. She needed a stiff drink and something to sink her claws into… perhaps she would stalk one of the civilian councilmen home. Soon after her sudden departure everyone filtered out, leaving behind only Tsunade, Naruto, and Jiraiya. The Ino-Shika-Cho gang each gave Naruto a small nod and sympathetic smiles, even the lazy Nara Clan Head couldn't find the action troublesome enough to forego. While the Hyuga Head Hiashi wore his mask of stoicism, it was clear by the smallest little shifts in his composure that there was at least mild regret bubbling about beneath the surface.

When the room was empty, and the two Sannin and one knucklehead were sure that the coast was clear, the Godaime rushed toward Naruto to capture him in a warm, smothering embrace. Instead of flailing about and putting on a dramatic showing of trying to escape, he quickly returned the hug while his entire body shook trying to keep his emotions in check. The buxom woman was not so inclined to keep her feelings bottled up within, and so Naruto found his shoulder quickly soaking with bitter tears. It didn't bother him any, at least not right then. He knew that the woman was overwhelmed at that moment, and while he had many things he wanted to know, those questions could wait until after each of them had had time to come to grips with everything that had happened. Naruto's body calmed, and soon enough he gave Tsunade a gentle push to separate the two of them.

"Naruto, I-" Tsunade was silenced as Naruto shook his head, his deep blue eyes connecting with her light brown.

"Not now, I can't think straight and I likely won't be able to really get everything that's happened until later. I'll come by your office once I've… dealt with my thoughts. If you're swamped then I will make an appointment with Shizune, that way it'll all be done legitimately so no one causes trouble over it." Naruto watched and waited, and once he got the nod of understanding from her he turned back to Jiraiya and gave a weary sigh, "Ero-sennin, let's get out of here, we can unseal one of those bottles of expensive wine you bought to celebrate my Chuunin promotion. Before you ask, it was Gamaken who spilled the beans, and he apologized for his clumsiness when he ruined the surprise." He returned his gaze to Tsunade after Jiraiya gave his nod while grumbling about stupid toads, "We'll probably be at it all afternoon and into the evening, so feel free to drop by the apartment whenever, I know you still have a key."

Tsunade gave a nod before watching master and apprentice walk out of the double doors leading to the lifeless hallway outside. When the doors swung shut she waited several moments with her face shadowed by her hair, eyes glued to the bland tiles in the floor. And then, the strongest woman in the Elemental Nations brought her fist down to smash against the floor, the entire room shaking violently while fissures opened in the walls and floor. As the room fell apart around her she walked calmly to the exit, not sparing any glances toward the mess she left in her wake. One of her most trusted ANBU appeared by her side, their face covered in the standard Neko mask.

"Hokage-sama, I trust there is nothing to be concerned about in the Council Chamber?" Neko was on one knee by Tsunade's left, their head bowed. Their tone was nearly stoic, though there was the tiniest bit of amusement there if one were trained to listen for such things.

Tsunade huffed and cracked the knuckles of her now slightly dusty left hand, each pop of her bones sending shivers down the spines of her still hidden male ANBU guard unit, "Not anymore. Have your best search the room for bodies, ROOT bodies to be specific, though I would be glad to have the remains of any rats presented to me."

Neko bowed her head further before vanishing into the shadows, her voice trailing away as if blown away by a swift breeze, "Hai, Hokage-sama."

 **~Line Break~**

It didn't take much time for Naruto and Jiraiya to travel across the village toward the dilapidated old apartment building where Naruto grew up. It was refreshing to know that the place was left relatively untouched, including his apartment, though in a way it was sad that no one had moved in on any of the floors. Old rumors about him would never die, and the results were his forever alone status. Regardless, however grateful he was for the lack of home invasion, that was all negated by his recent betrayal by the village leadership. Just thinking about it all gave Naruto a headache, and he'd be glad to finally crack open some alcohol and drown the bad thoughts away.

With a flick of his keys and a gentle nudge of his shoulder the old door groaned harshly while opening to permit the two toad summoners, "Make yourself at home, Ero-sennin, I'll get the hot plate out and set up the table in a minute. I gotta change before the sand in my cracks starts to form armor like Gaara."

"Take your time kid, I gotta sort out my scrolls and find my stash anyway. In fact, wash up too, you don't invite a lady like Tsunade over and not make yourself presentable." Jiraiya flopped down onto the old couch in Naruto's… multipurpose room before unsealing a few dozen scrolls from somewhere, the mess clattering on the floor accompanied by a string of soft curses.

Naruto couldn't help the chuckle that slipped from his throat as he waved off Jiraiya's teasing, "Hai, hai, I got it."

The blonde took his time gathering his casual clothes, a simple white t-shirt and a pair of baggy tan shorts, and after he'd unpacked his toiletries from his travel pack he was locked away in the bathroom. As usual there was no hot water to soak his body, so as he stood in the rushing water each drip was like a frosty little pellet keeping him awake, no escape from the veritable nightmare that his life had become. He imagined that his thirteen year old self would be hunkered down near the floor, face buried between his knees, eyes shut tight and crying like the child that he was. Now, there were no tears to be shed, he was a young man now, and regardless of the shit that life had decided he needed shoveled over his head he would stand tall against it. Of course his resolve did nothing to make his situation better, but cracking under the pressure of his sorrow would likely play right into the hands of the people who sought to destroy him.

Since the cold shower wasn't particularly pleasant on the best of days he chose to focus his attention on cleaning his body, and once that had been done he practically leapt out of the shower to be free from the chill. He dressed properly, fought valiantly to tame his Kami forsaken hair, and then tossed on a dash or two of some cheap cologne that Jiraiya had bought for him, though he was sure to use as little as possible. The memory of coming into contact with a particularly horrid man in Lightning Country was far too fresh in his mind. That man wore a whole bottle of the stuff it seemed, and there was no healing technique in the world that would ever heal the burns left in Naruto's nose that day. Bathed, clothed, and smelling decent, Naruto walked back out into his apartment to find Jiraiya seated at his fold-out table with a hotplate plugged into an extension cord trailing to the nearest outlet.

"Decided I was bored so I set things up while you were in there scrubbing your mini-me. Gotta keep that clean, gaki." Jiraiya gave a wiggle of his eye brows to finish off his teasing jibe.

Naruto just shook his head before taking one of the two remaining seats around the table, his Master seated directly opposite him, "Thanks for that wise and sagely advice, Ero-sennin, I'll be sure to keep that in mind considering how much use I'll be getting out of my special kunai." He started out upbeat, and near the end of his retort his voice took on a slightly bitter tone.

Jiraiya realized that he'd walked them right into that one, and for once he regretted trying to tease his student, "While I appreciate that you can joke around about all this, albeit with that melancholy tone, I didn't mean to bring it up like that, I wasn't thinking." Jiraiya gave it his all to appear genuine in his apology.

Naruto gave his mentor a look before huffing, "Take it easy, I'm not upset with you, I'm still dealing with all this. It's like, nothing bad can ever happen by itself, it always has to dog pile and suffocate you. If you didn't all ready know, Gaara almost died… they took Shukaku and just… that one blonde bastard was fucking sitting on his body…" Naruto's eyes fell to the table where his hand was tightly gripping at nothing, his knuckles going white, "And his brother nearly died as well, the bi-curious idiot was so badly poisoned that it took Sakura a lot of intense work to fix him up. And old lady Chiyo… damn it."

"Trust me, I know exactly how you feel. It doesn't rain, but it pours." Jiraiya chuckled mirthlessly while using a bit of Suiton chakra to test the heat of the hotplate. The bit of water evaporated with a small hiss and the toad sage eagerly placed several flasks of sake on the round plate to heat up, "This ain't the best way to heat up this stuff, but it'll do for a couple of orphans like us, eh?"

Naruto gave a wry smile before standing up and heading over to an old bookshelf in the corner and fetching a pack of playing cards, "Yeah, guess us orphans know more about being thankful for what we have than most."

Jiraiya took the cards as soon as Naruto brought them over and went about shuffling them in flamboyant and extravagant maneuvers with the help of chakra, "Listen kid, I know most of what went on today is a bit much to think about, but there is one thing I want to discuss with you while the two of us are alone."

"If you insist, but I really think I'd like some time to just… process, ya know?" Naruto tried not to whine as he spoke, but there was still a hint of his inner child coming out, which of course caused Jiraiya to inwardly smile.

With the deck of cards thoroughly sorted and shuffled Jiraiya set about flicking cards this way and that, "This is a bit too important to wait on, and unfortunately I don't think I can wait around until you're thinking is all taken care of. It's about your parents Last Will and Testament." This got an immediate reaction from the blonde.

Naruto looked directly into Jiraiya's eyes as his hands quaked with barely suppressed anxiety, "You're telling me that you knew my parents? Or that the old man trusted you with their will?"

The older man sat back and rubbed his chin lightly while eyeing his cards, "A little of both. Now pick up your cards and let's play, it'll help settle you down as we talk."

Naruto reluctantly took up his cards and eyed the particularly lucky hand he'd been dealt, amusingly opposite of the hand that life had dealt him, "So… you going to keep who they were from me just like the old man did?"

Jiraiya took up a new card after discarding another, "Considering the situation and how much I know I can trust you, I will be telling you everything kid. First, your mother, the beautiful and fiery Uzumaki Kushina." Here he pulled out a scroll and unrolled it next to them. There were three separate storage seals each with blood sacrifice requirements from the complexity of their matrixes. Using one of the playing cards in his hand Jiraiya channeled a bit of chakra to sharpen the edge and cut into his thumb. Quick enough to avoid staining the card he ran his bleeding thumb across the seal closest to Naruto and a moment later a small plume of smoke filled the air.

Naruto looked over to the scroll just as he heard the item being summoned, and he nearly let the cards fall from his hand. Right in front of him was a framed photo of a beautiful young redhead with a dazzling smile and violet eyes that one could tumble into and freefall forever. Her hair was so strikingly brilliant in the lighting of the picture that he could barely look away from it. And then he noticed some of the similarities between his face and hers, and in moments he was convinced that there was no way this princess wasn't his mother. The playing cards finally fell from his trembling hands before he reached over to take the picture into his grasp. With the reverence of a holy man he cradled the image against his chest, his eyes closed tightly to fight the tears back.

Jiraiya ignored Naruto's attempts to quell his growing emotional struggles out of respect for the kid as he went about releasing the other two storage seals. A second picture frame burst into existence along with a thick manila envelope. Naruto was too far gone to notice either of the small clouds dispersing nearby, so Jiraiya left him to his own devices a while. He checked the flasks and found that they were sufficiently warmed up, so he summoned up two saucers from his sleeve. They were identical in size and shape, but each was labeled with a unique Kanji in their basins. The first he kept close to himself and was marked with the Kanji for 'Big Sage.' The second, which he quickly filled and pushed forward toward his student was labeled 'Little Sage.' He'd made these specifically to celebrate the kid's successful promotion to Chuunin, which would have been the precursor to their second, much shorter training trip to Mt. Myoboku to begin his first steps to becoming the next Toad Sage.

The older man held high hopes that Naruto would continue on and become a sage, even if he was no longer a shinobi of Konoha. He'd never force him to do so, but damn if he didn't want to see the kid follow his footsteps and do what two others could not. Naruto had so much potential to be something truly special, and yet… fate seemed hell bent on stopping him. Life truly was a cruel and unpredictable mate, much like Tsunade. The thought made him giggle perversely.

"Thanks for this… Jiraiya-sensei. I'll never know her, but seeing her beautiful face and knowing that at one time she was happy enough to smile like this… I think I can live with that, 'ttebayo." Naruto grunted and gave his forehead a small smack as his embarrassing tick came back to spite him.

Jiraiya laughed and downed his first saucer of sake for the evening, "If you think her smile in that picture is something, then just take a look at that one." He pointed to the second framed photo that he'd summoned from the scroll.

Naruto carefully set the picture of Kushina to the side, making triple sure that nothing would damage it, before he let his attention fall to the next photograph. This was clearly an older version of his mother, though only by a few years tops, but the obvious difference was the noticeable belly she was supporting. It took very little time for his mind to click, and he realized that this picture was taken after she'd become pregnant with him! And just as his sensei had promised, the smile that she was wearing was so incredibly warm and full of immeasurable joy. She wasn't looking at the camera; rather she was eyeing a mischievous looking blonde man that was oddly familiar. He was nuzzling into the rather large pregnant belly of Kushina, his eyes shut with unshed tears threatening to fall. It was clear that this man was almost a little too happy, goofily so in fact, and it was all thanks to the beautiful redhead and the miracle in her belly.

"This is… my father, isn't it?" Naruto's voice was quiet, though strong, and his eyes were fixed on the happy couple in the photo.

Jiraiya, who had started cleaning up the discarded playing cards with his idle hands, gave a firm nod, "Yeah kid, that's your pops… do you recognize him?"

Naruto gave a deep sigh before looking over at him, "Yeah… and despite what you might think, I'm not mad at him."

Jiraiya froze and then gave Naruto a quizzical look, "Eh? What do you mean? I thought you'd be cursing his name and begging the Shinigami to vomit him up for a bit of one-on-one bonding."

"First of all, that's gross. I mean seriously, don't even joke about that." Naruto made a face before quivering at the thought of the Shinigami puking up his father, "And secondly, the irony of the whole thing isn't exactly going over my head."

"Okay ya lost me here. Explain?" Jiraiya poured himself another serving of sake, knowing that once Tsunade dropped by later he'd be fighting tooth and nail to get anything from her.

Naruto took up his offered saucer and gave a small smile when he saw the Kanji in the basin. He gave his sensei a knowing glance before offering up his saucer in a toast. Jiraiya caught the hint and grinned before they tapped their saucers together, "Kanpai!" The two men tossed back their drinks with a chorus of satisfied sighs coming from both. When Naruto found his voice again he spoke, his lips curling a bit as his cheeks grew a little rosy from the warmth of his drink, "I'm talking about the irony that those old bastards just banned me from marrying anyone from Fire Country, and I'm currently packing the genes of the most respected shinobi to ever walk the earth. If I didn't want to lament my losses so badly I'd be laughing my nine non-existent tails off."

Jiraiya snorted at the imagery of Naruto with nine tails, "I hadn't thought of that. Ya know, on your birthday when you turn sixteen Tsunade will be officially allowed to announce your heritage. Sensei made it clear that you either had to be strong enough to become a Chuunin, or become sixteen. Personally, I thought you should know sooner, but then again I did end up having to run off and see to my spies so I might not have been the best one to ask for their opinion."

"Sure, your spies, in between your visits to the ladies hot springs and the cat houses you mean. I don't blame you really. Well, I do, but then I don't at the same time. Seeing your lifestyle up close these past couple years really opened my eyes. People think it's all naked women and sake, but damn do you get into a lot of trouble." Naruto took up the flask to pour a saucer for his sensei out of common etiquette before seeing to his own empty saucer, "Anyway, the people who cry because they can't offer up their homely second daughters to bear my Namikaze seed can all go die in a gutter."

"Gaki, you aren't going to go all Sasuke on me now, are you? I don't think I can stand to see you become some sick, dark, brooding avenger." Jiraiya had to avoid a shuriken that Naruto flicked his way, "Hey, watch the mane, brat!"

"Sorry, I thought I heard someone mention my former teammate and I acted on instinct. Won't happen again…" Naruto drank his second saucer of sake before leaning back in his seat, "To think I spent years sitting on top of my father's head, whispering to the man for his guidance, venting all my frustrations, begging for a sign that at least he and the other Hokage acknowledged me… and I never knew he was my old man. Kami, that whole thing sounded so pathetic."

"Look kid, I know you've done a lot of growing up over the past couple years, but that doesn't mean you have to be so damn pessimistic. There's nothing pathetic about how you behaved as a child, in fact you were probably a lot more normal than most other kids that young. Instead of imaginary friends with weird names, you found company with the spirits of our past leaders. The heck do you think Kakashi does every day when he visits the Memorial Stone?" Jiraiya finished off their first bottle of sake and placed the empty flask in one of the empty storage seals in his sleeve.

Naruto chuckled light-heartedly, "Comparing my childhood antics to Hatake Kakashi doesn't do much to help settle my worries."

The pair laughed heartily as Jiraiya realized just what his apprentice meant, and from there the two just sat and enjoyed warm conversation and warm sake. The older man decided to fill the time with stories of how young Minato and Kushina behaved with each other, and the both of them couldn't stop laughing as the bizarre stories just kept coming. It seemed that rumors of his fiery mother and her bad temper were true, though Naruto was adamant that his mother was a saint. And then he realized his awkwardness with the fairer sex was obviously a Namikaze Bloodline considering the two of them were completely dense outside of battle. The sun had settled into it's final phase of the day when the door to Naruto's apartment rattled and nearly slammed open from the force of Tsunade's shoulder charge.

"Ah, Hime, glad to see you decided to join us. I hope you're thirsty-… Hime… you look like you've seen better days." Jiraiya was staring intently as his normally stunning former teammate with concern.

Senju Tsunade was widely accepted as the most beautiful kunoichi in the Elemental Nations. With the use of her own well crafted illusions she maintained her mid-twenties body flawlessly. Even in open combat the woman was never disheveled, and the harshest rain and wind would wither in the face of her well maintained hair and indomitable cosmetics. So, it was with no small amount of surprise and worry that Jiraiya and Naruto found a very nettled, very red-faced, and very disheveled Senju Tsunade standing by the still open door. Her clothes were rippled and loose in several places that would normally have Jiraiya zooming through the wall with a severe case of blood loss. Her makeup was not so much smeared as it was completely gone so that her not altogether unpleasant natural beauty was all that she had to offer.

"Sake. Now." Tsunade spoke through gritted teeth while carefully closing the apartment door and locking it back up. The handle was noticeably dented and would likely require replacement, but that was hardly something the woman gave a damn about. By the time she joined the two men at the table the third seat had been kicked out for her, and four steaming saucers of sake were awaiting her full, light pink lips gentle caresses. Faster than most could follow the woman sat, swooped her perfectly manicured hands toward the offered drinks, and drained them all so fast the saucers were left spinning on the rough, plastic table top. She loosed a satisfied breath that steamed the air thanks to her quick consumption of the heated alcohol, "That… was so good."

"Drink up, you look like you need it." Jiraiya poured her an additional four saucers of sake to help the woman catch up, considering her legendary tolerance for alcohol would prevent her from keeping a good buzz without a proper dosage, "Want to talk about it?"

Tsunade tossed back three of the four new servings of sake before releasing another sigh, "For a ninja village that is supposed to keep secrets, information in this place leaks like busted water pipes and spreads like wild fire. I had half the damned shinobi in this village at my office to confirm the rumors that Uzumaki Naruto had officially left the shinobi services. I find it incredibly hilarious that when the time comes for these people to defend him, you can't find a single one of them to save their lives. Oh, but suddenly he isn't there to lay his life on the line to defend them and everyone ends up in a panic!" She took the final saucer and swished it's contents in small circles, her ire being directed at the wine as if willing her bad mood to further warm it, "I don't even know where Sakura is right now… the girl didn't take the news well. In fact, everyone from his generation took the news rather hard. Most of the clan heirs went back to their respective clans for answers, and the civilian born ninja just seemed lost."

Naruto snorted garnering the attention of his two house guests, "Sorry, it's just that this whole situation is far too hilarious for its own good. Most of these people have done nothing but put me down and talk trash to my face for years. Suddenly I'm not going to be around to be their punching bag anymore, and it's a fucking disaster."

"Naruto, take it easy, you know this isn't true-" Jiraiya tried to intervene, but he was cut off my Naruto's sudden chuckles.

"Sorry, sensei, but you weren't around for all the missions that I had to go on before you returned to take me on our training trip. People I considered my friends would openly mock my lack of understanding or tact, going so far as to call me names. And then there were the bouts of physical abuse that I had to deal with from most kunoichi over misunderstandings, especially Sakura. And to top off this super special sundae there are those who have yet to stop calling me dead-last, which is quite possibly my least favorite nickname of all time. I endured all of this while wearing my goofy grin, being loud and obnoxious so that they would laugh, because if I was my true self I'd likely have lost their friendship. No one wants to be around a crying clown after all.

And before you get on my case about being cynical, don't. This is me being realistic. No matter how often I tried to show them that there was more to Uzumaki Naruto than some inept idiot, that's all they ever actually wanted to see. Even Kakashi overlooked me in favor of Sasuke-teme until it was too late. Do you know the man preaches about looking underneath the underneath almost as much as his precious speeches about abandoning teammates? Kinda hilarious if you look at things from a third person perspective. It's like watching a man demonstrating how to keep dominos from falling while purposely knocking them over."

The two sannin watched Naruto down his current saucer of sake and pour himself another. There was no malice or spite in his voice as he spoke, only the kind of matter-of-factly tone someone used when completely confident in their validity. For Jiraiya this side of Naruto was nothing new, though he was mildly surprised that he was behaving this way in front of Tsunade. Said buxom blonde was utterly fascinated by this Naruto, and she wanted to hear more. He was so much more eloquent, so confident, and yet he kept that blunt and forthcoming attitude that she found endearing from his youthful exuberance in the past. The red hue on his cheeks was evidence enough to show that he'd been sauced up a bit before her arrival, though you couldn't hear any slur in his voice, and his eyes were glazed, yet focused. It was like he was experiencing all the loss of inhibitions without the loss in motor skills.

Jiraiya grumbled to himself as he silently conceded the point to his student. While the old toad sage went about pouring another round for himself Tsunade leaned over toward Naruto and narrowed her eyes, "You know, Naruto, I've noticed that you're taking everything that's happened pretty well. Most people in your position would have already fallen apart and locked themselves away. Why is it that you aren't?"

Naruto leaned over toward her with his chin rested on his palm and his elbow on the table. Blue met brown once more while he gave a small smirk, "You really want to know?"

Tsunade for her part showed no outward reaction to the way Naruto leaned toward her, though inwardly she was a little flustered. His face was far closer to hers than she'd ever let most males approach her, and his sake laced, warm breath brushed against her face and neck. Focusing on his eyes she let her head tilt slightly, exposing her neck a bit in order to try and fluster the young man right back, even though it was obviously inappropriate. What can you say? Alcohol does things to people!

Noticing the subtle gesture Naruto couldn't help his smirk widening, and he leant even closer toward the beauty so their cheeks were nearly touching and his voice came in a whisper, "If you sit around mourning the obstacles of life, you forget to enjoy the ride."

Tsunade sat up straight before reaching over and patting Naruto on the cheek, a grin splitting her face, "I see that someone's seduction training was fruitful. Too bad for the kunoichi of your generation."

Naruto laughed out loud for a moment and the sound was full of genuine mirth instead of hollow cynicism, "If I was going to learn anything from this pervert it was going to be the ups and downs of women. Granted I still hold firm to the belief that there are better ways to get a woman naked than sneaking into trees outside of hot springs, I will admit that he knows his stuff when it comes to actually exercising subtlety."

"And I still hold firm to the belief that everything is permitted in the pursuit of precious research. For science!" Jiraiya stood up for a moment to strike a pose worthy of a hero eliciting a pair of playfully disgruntled huffs.

Tsunade decided to take the bait and push forward through this ridiculous tangent, "Oh~ what branch of science involves spying on innocent, vulnerable young women trying to bathe and relax?"

Naruto quickly timed his voice to unify with his sensei so that the two chorused, "Biology~." Naruto gave a roll of his eyes while Jiraiya let his eyebrows wiggle lecherously.

The odd little pseudo family joined as one to laugh at the antics of student and teacher, the two more similar to a charming uncle and goofy nephew. Tsunade idly wondered, if Dan and Nawaki had both lived, if the two of them would have gotten along this well. It was rare she ever allowed herself to imagine anyone in the shoes of her former lover, especially her perverted teammate, but as she watched the man behave like a proper man ought to, doing everything he could to lighten the mood of his young student, it was all too easy. Perhaps in another dimension she could have given Jiraiya a chance… nah.

Jiraiya and Naruto soon let their laughter soften before ultimately the apartment grew quiet, the only sound the odd creak or groan of the walls or floor. Tsunade was content to enjoy the soft buzz that she was slowly developing with the help of the high class sake her teammate had provided. After a few moments, Jiraiya took a breath to clear his throat before eyeing Naruto with a serious look, "Listen Naruto, now that we're all here and thoroughly relaxed, I want to handle one last piece of business so that I can get blackout drunk in peace. Your head good and clear?"

"Yeah, I'm still good, the fluff ball keeps the alcohol from working properly. What's up, Jiraiya?" Naruto leaned forward toward his sensei while blinking away the light haze that had clouded his vision.

Jiraiya lazily dragged the manila envelope from the storage scroll toward the middle of the table and broke the wax that had been keeping it shut tight. He rummaged through the papers inside before producing a single sheet made of a fine, heavy parchment. Whatever it was it resembled some kind of certificate, "First I want you to see this and understand what it means. It's a legal certificate that provides notarized proof of my status as… your Godfather."

Naruto looked the document over and found most of the legal jargon going completely over his head. He shifted the paper toward Tsunade who had perked up significantly, nearly losing her buzz completely. While the woman read through everything he eyed his newly named Godfather before loosing a light chuckle, "Why on Earth did dad think you would make a good Godfather?"

"Oi, the hell is that supposed to mean, you brat?" Jiraiya gave a heated look toward his Godson.

Naruto brought his hands up in surrender while sporting a cheeky smirk, "Take it easy old man, I didn't mean anything by it. You're always on the move and you rarely find time to actually come back here, so when would you have time to take care of a loud kid like me? He had to know I would end up like my mom. Plus, when the time came, you wouldn't be able to drag my reckless butt all over the nations either. So in the end, it just seems like a bad idea."

While still miffed due to the cheeky look that Naruto was wearing he was mildly placated by the explanation, "Point, gaki. I want to be honest with you, so I won't say that I spent a lot of time thinking about you and wondering how you were. In the end, I figured you would be well off with sensei watching you. The sad truth was the old man may have dropped the ball on that one, but you turned out all right in the end, if a bit weird from time to time… and terrible with women."

"I can respect a man willing to lay it all out like that, and you did come through for me when I was in my greatest need, so I'll let all that other stuff slide. I do have one question though… were you the one who sent me my wallet for my fourth birthday?" Naruto brought out Gama-chan and set the pudgy little money holder out on the table.

Jiraiya couldn't suppress the smile that spread on his face as he caught sight of the little toad wallet. The thing hadn't been damaged even a little after all these years, and Naruto had even given it a name, "As a matter of fact, I did, though to be completely honest it was a little something that Minato had planned to give to you when he gave you your first bit of allowance as a kid. It wound up in my possession along with a bunch of other things, and in his honor I made sure that you got it. I'm glad to see that you've taken such good care of it."

"Yeah, Gama-chan and I have been through a lot together. My apartment was broken into nine times, and she was always the one thing I never had taken from me. I think the thing is some kind of lucky charm. Never been burned, cut, stolen, dirtied, or lost once. Only one besides me to ever touch it's been you, ya stealing old bastard." Naruto gave the older sage a mock glare that was ruined by the grin he was sporting.

Tsunade rejoined the conversation with an irritated groan, her slim hand brushing the certificate across the table carefully, though with a bit of force, "Remind me to punch you through the wall of my office before you leave town."

Jiraiya gulped silently before putting the paper away and then removing two separate packets worth of important looking documents, "These here... are the Last Will and Testaments of Uzumaki Kushina and Namikaze Minato, both notarized by the office of the Daimyo in the capital, witnessed by the Daimyo himself. With Minato being a Kage, and Kushina being the sole survivor of the ruling branch of the Uzumaki Clan, the two of them were given every measure of official observance and security for these papers. The two of them had far too many enemies willing to go out of their way to alter or destroy these documents. These are actually only official replicas, the originals being sealed away in one of the Daimyo's personal vaults in the Fire Capital Banking Clan compound."

Once again the blonde Kage was engrossed in interpreting the paperwork presented to the table, Naruto all ready tiring of trying to make heads or tails of the endless, run-on sentences. Jiraiya saw that neither of his drinking companions were going to speak just yet so he decided to continue, "The bottom line for both of those Wills is that your parents left you everything. Minato left behind his most precious scrolls, personal journals, a jutsu library that he had collected personally both over his years as my apprentice and his time as Hokage of Konoha, several deeds to different properties that he had partial ownership of, and a rather sizable sum of money that had been stored away in his personal vault in the former Namikaze Compound. Your mother left behind several dozen priceless heirlooms from the Uzumaki Clan, the Uzumaki Clan jutsu library, several dozen scrolls on Uzumaki Sealing Arts, and the entirety of the Uzumaki Clan Royal Treasury that had been smuggled away from the ruins of Uzu after it's untimely destruction.

Had your parents survived the Kyuubi attack all those years ago you would have inherited all of this much later, but fate wasn't so kind. It would still be in the Namikaze Compound family vault, but the grounds had been destroyed during the attack, so a failsafe that Minato put in place was activated and sealed away everything into a special pocket dimension he'd discovered during his experimentation with the Flying Thunder God. To access the pocket dimension and retrieve anything you will need one of these seals, and only someone with the blood of both your parents can deactivate the locks put in place. Instructions on how it all works are in this envelope, I never read any of it because it wasn't mine to read." Jiraiya fetched a small pack of high quality parchment squares, each decorated with a complex sealing matrix that was far too advanced for Naruto's unpracticed eyes to decipher.

Naruto rubbed his palm against his forehead, "Will this day ever end? Every time I think nothing else can happen you pull something else out of your back end. Good thing we're already drinking…" The blonde teen snatched up his saucer to down another quick mouthful of warm sake.

Tsunade set both of the Wills down with a small sigh, "I can't believe these two thought so far ahead. I mean, I bet even Danzo and all of his little roaches didn't even know the lengths Minato went to secure his legacy. Too bad he didn't account for all the blind prejudice this village was prey to though, he may have had sensei keep Naruto's burden a secret."

Jiraiya took on a thoughtful look before giving a shake of his head, "No, Minato was too much of an idealist to see past the surface goodness that the people of Konoha like to portray. When faced with the enemy he could tell you everything about them within the first five minutes of battle. Here at home… he was all too willing to accept things at face value. I blame sensei's teachings of the Will of Fire for that. It's a beautiful sentiment, and I believe in it with all my heart… but that doesn't mean I believe in all of the people of this village. Minato did."

Tsunade turned her attention to Naruto and found the boy resting his head on his arms which were folded on the table, "How do you feel about all of this Naruto?"

Naruto rolled his head over to face her and gave a shrug, "I feel numb right now. This day has been too full of unexpected surprises and I haven't had any time to sit and think in peace. Right now I'm putting on a strong face, but when I am alone I might break down, or I might have an anxiety attack, or worse a heart attack, anything can happen. On the one hand my parents are dead, that's no longer a mystery, they aren't coming back for me one day, they didn't abandon me like garbage, they just died. On the other, the two of them jumped through flaming hoops to make sure that eventually I would be taken care of. Granted, I could have used some of the resources well before now, that wasn't their fault, well maybe dad's a little.

And what am I even supposed to do with all the jutsu scrolls and such? At this point there is no way I am rejoining the ninja forces, not even you can convince me to become the guardian of those cruel bastards. There's no way in the fiery pits of hell itself I am going to give all of my parent's shinobi knowledge to them. And then there is this whole… CEA thing keeping me from having any children to pass down the knowledge to. At this point my only option is to choose an apprentice like the both of you, and then I have to worry about people brainwashing them into stealing my family techniques. It's all doomed to rot away in an inter dimensional pit."

Tsunade let her eyes drop to the table in front of her, her arms resting beneath her bosoms, and she gave a soft sigh, "I am going to find a way to repeal this CEA nonsense, Naruto, that is a promise. I don't know how they were able to go under my nose the way they did. Shizune is always so very careful what kinds of paperwork ends up on my desk, and even if I am completely inebriated I am able to stop myself from signing anything that would do something so awful."

Naruto gave a small grunt before sitting up and leaning back so that his eyes lock onto the ceiling, "Don't know if it is worth the headache it'll give you. There's likely no chance I would have ever met anyone willing to get to know me properly in this country. Foreigners were a little more likely, but still pretty farfetched if you ask me. Besides that, what kind of man asks a woman to drop everything and come to him? A man should have the decency to step up and go to her, show he is worth his shit ya know?"

Tsunade snapped her fingers a few times while fumbling with a name, "What about that one girl, the one that followed you around like a lost puppy?"

Jiraiya groaned while palming his face. Tsunade gave him a confused look before turning to look at Naruto as he began to speak, "Hyuga Hinata is the one you are thinking of, and there was never a chance of that happening. First of all, I don't know her from the Sage, and any time the two of us were in a position to speak the girl would lose consciousness. Secondly, she was my _stalker_. Who in their right mind decides they want to get to know someone willing to follow them around and watch them for at least one hour a day? Not me, that is creepy. And the girl watched me being treated like dirt for years… years… and never offered to help me, ever. And third, and this is by far the most normal and sensible of the reasons that I have been able to come up with, she is Hyuga royalty. Her father hates me. I mean, did you see how pleased he looked when you announced my status under CEA? Chances are the man knows about how his precious little princess felt about me, and he leapt at the chance to legally block me from socializing with the girl.

She's a cutie, and she's a strong kunoichi, and overall she is a very kind spirit that would be great with kids. I am just not very impressed with the kind of person that she is beneath her adorable, shy exterior. She needs to be with someone who is willing to take advantage of her submissive nature, and I am attracted to stong, confident women who are ready to kick my ass if they know I am being an idiot. I think maybe Kiba would be a good match for her, or maybe Choji since he's so gentle with his friends."

Tsunade could honestly say that she was impressed with some of his reasoning, though she decided she wasn't altogether pleased with how brutally honest some of his comments were, "I'm guessing by way of his reaction that the two of you have discussed this before?"

Jiraiya cut in before Naruto could reply, "Oh Kami yes, and I regretted it every time. This brat has the self-esteem of a pebble and whenever he got down about his situation with women I would try to give him a pep talk, and I usually brought up the little Hyuga princess. I learned after the third time to forget about it, but he started jumping the gun and firing off this little speech without even being prompted! I can recite that little tirade word for word in my sleep."

"I'd have to be an idiot to ask why your self-esteem is so low, so I won't go there, but you need to realize that you're much more popular than you think. Your opinions aside, there were a lot of unhappy people in my office today, and I wouldn't be surprised if you get a lot of visitors over the next week." Tsunade gave Naruto a pointed look, almost begging him to try and deny her words, all the while slowly sipping sake from one of her saucers.

Naruto huffed and ignored her look in favor of grabbing the deck of cards and waving them about, "How about we have a few games and wind down after all this serious crap? No more parents, no more wills, no more people asking about me, no more CEA, just three bums playing a bit of poker while drinking away our regrets."

Jiraiya and Tsunade both exchanged a quick look before giving a couple half-hearted nods and settling in for a long night. The drinks continued on until none of them could even remember falling asleep, though at some point Jiraiya made sure to put up several layers of security seals to keep Naruto's sensitive paperwork safe from anyone plotting anything against him. The conversations steered towards some of the more interesting stories the two toad summoners had to share from their amazing journey across the Elemental Nations. Tsunade touched base with the both of them about her sorrows trying to fight Shizune for her precious sake and having to deal with the monotonous hell that was office work. All in all, without speaking about serious business, the three of them had a wonderful night, and Tsunade and Jiraiya would cherish the blackmail material they collected when Naruto finally succumbed to the wondrous lands of inebriation for the rest of their lives.

 **~Scene Shift~**

Upon waking up to the sun's merciless rays beaming on his face, Naruto became aware of several truths of life that he would never forget. The first was that drinking was considered a poor habit for a reason, and he would bet a substantial portion of his inheritance on the reason being the pounding headache that made him contemplate decapitation as a viable pain relief option. The second was that, while the two of them had eccentric and questionable character traits, Tsunade and Jiraiya were excellebt parental figures. He was positive that he'd passed out at the table, but he woke tucked into his bed snugly for the first time in his life, and despite the massive pain in his head it brought a warm tingle to his chest. And finally, karma was only the finest breed of bitch, as indicated by the cow bells secured to the edges of his bed spread so that every movement brought about a cacophony of clangs that were almost certainly the work of Yami himself.

After carefully extricating himself from the cleverly trapped blankets he waltzed over to he kitchen to try and find something to sever his head from his shoulders. As luck would have it, none of his knives were anywhere in sight, but a large pitcher of fresh water was set out with a note, as well as a small zipper bag containing two prescription grade pain killers. Taking up the note he was only able to avoid smiling because his face was too busy grimacing from the pain in his cranium.

 _Oi, gaki, hope you enjoyed the little symphony I had prepared just for you. Tsunade wanted to beat my brains in until I reminded her of all the times you burst into her office at seven in the morning. She is the one who insisted we leave you some water and the meds… though be warned, she pulled that bag out of her… ya know what? Never mind. Anywho! Drink as much water as you can to help with the dehydration and eat a full breakfast no matter how bad you just want to roll over and die. Hehe, I bet your head hurts so bad right now..._

 _I had to rush away early, two-for-one day at the ladies hot springs and all, but I will be in town for the next few days to settle a few things before I head out. You know where to find me, though don't bother me unless you have to you cock blocking little menace! Speaking of cock blocking, do not wander too close to the Clan District any time soon, the place is a warzone. Don't worry too much, there isn't actually any outright violence going on, but I wouldn't put it past someone to try and drag you into one dispute or another. The only safe compounds are the Nara, Akimichi, and Inuzuka, though they are too deep in the district to risk visiting, not that you want to wander around your former peers anyway._

 _One last thing before I go peeping, I put up a pretty powerful Blood Seal on your place to keep people from sneaking in while you were asleep, so before you go to open that door smear a bit of your blood across the wood. It's keyed into Tsunade, you, and me so that way no one untrustworthy can enter, no matter how stealthy they think they are. I wouldn't want to be the Root members stupid enough to try, hehe. And for the love of Kami don't forget to set up those special seals your pops left for you, its your inheritance so enjoy it! And do not offer to pay Tsunade's gambling debts, I been there, it isn't worth it._

Naruto noted the crudely drawn chibi-Jiraiya waving at him near the bottom of the page while seated on top of an even more intensely chibi-fied Gamabunta. The little image made him chuckle as he set it aside and quickly guzzled down nearly the entire pitcher of water before eyeing the medicine bag. With his still throbbing head muddling up his thoughts he gave a shrug before picking up the bag and immediately realizing something. First, the bag was slightly weathered, and then he took note of a sweet scent drifting through the air from the bag… perfume? He glanced at the note, and then at the baggy, and then the note, and then finally he gave another shrug and quickly downed the pills. If the woman was comfortable enough to give him something she had buried in her… assets… then he would not lose in the war against women trying to embarrass him by refusing the offered medication. Whatever the medicine was, the effects were so quick that by the time he'd set down the water jug his throbbing headache had devolved into a minor little nagging sensation at the back of his head.

"Damn, those must have been from her private stash… okay, that didn't come out right. I need to make a note to stop allowing innuendo to slip into my speech, or life is going to get really, really annoying." Naruto put the now empty bag in the waste bin before heading to the bathroom to clean up for the day.

While brushing his teeth the blonde teen began to think about what he was going to do now that his life as a shinobi was over… well, on hiatus might be more accurate. Yeah, he wasn't legally allowed to continue accepting missions for the village without a license, but did that mean he had to quit training? He'd toyed with the idea of dropping everything the previous night, but now that his mind was clear and he didn't have a couple of old shinobi there trying to play the part of reluctant therapists, he could consider his options and formulate his own theories. There wasn't a law prohibiting people from practicing the shinobi arts outside of the military, it was just uncommon outside of children who were yet to graduate the academy. He wouldn't likely be allowed near any of the officially marked training grounds for liability purposes, but he was sure he could find a work-around.

Another train of thought giving him trouble was wondering just what the hell he was supposed to do outside of training. He'd never been one for sitting around with nothing to do for very long, and as a young adult there wasn't much drive to run about setting up elaborate pranks. Okay, so maybe there was still a pretty strong allure to go about pranking the hell out of people, but he had matured enough to realize that was one of the things that had made him extremely unpopular. No, he wouldn't become some kind of insufferable prankster king, not when he no longer had the protection of the shinobi status to keep the mobs at bay. It was then that he truly felt the regret of having spent so long solely focused on being the future Hokage, because outside of hitting things until they didn't move anymore, he had no outstanding skills to fall back on.

He considered his secret love of gardening for a moment before tossing that idea out. The Yamanaka Clan had more or less monopolized the trade of all things botanical, even going so far as producing several greenhouses worth of medicinal herbs, spice plants, and at least one orchard with various fruits and nuts. Many people assumed that the clan of platinum blonds were a bunch of flower sniffers, but Naruto had been one of the select few to wander around their greenhouses as a young boy. In fact, they had inspired him to keep a little garden of his own, which he still kept even if he had traded in most of his plants for heartier varieties so that he could leave them for weeks during missions without much water. Unless he planned to try and get a job working for them, botany was pointless, and to be frank he didn't know who he could trust yet, so that was definitely out.

The fleeting thought of opening a joke shop was plausible for only a moment before he remembered his unpopularity when it came to his pranks. People might believe he was attempting to corrupt the decent young people of the village into his horrid, trickster ways, and the likelihood of being vandalized was too high. Also, while he did enjoy a bit of fun now and then, he wasn't exactly one to adhere to the normal methods of practical jokes. When he set up one of his elaborate pranks there were so many unpredictable tools and supplies involved that he wouldn't know where to begin in terms of stock. In the end he would be more likely to open up a hardware store, which was something that the village had too many of all ready due to how often repairs were needed in a village full of overeager young ninjas. The lack of demand added to his already staggering low popularity among the people of the village ruled out the joke shop-hardware shop idea before it even had time to become ripe.

After spitting out a mouthful of toothpaste he let his forehead lean against the mirror while he closed his eyes. The cool surface of the glass soothed what little ache remained from his hangover, "Damn it Naruto, think… what can you do? Hell, what do you want to do? Why did you have to be so dead set on being a damn shinobi, you baka!?" Naruto's voice began soft before rising up into a yelling that resembled his thirteen year old voice. As the words echoed off the acoustic walls of the bathroom he slumped a little with a hopeless expression, "Damn it… why did I have to be so stupid… quitting the only thing I'm good at…"

He straightened up and looked into his reflection, and he stared into his eyes. Where was the fire he was so used to seeing? Why did he have such a drained look? And were those bags under his eyes? He growled before shouting at himself, "Oi, you baka, the hell are you doing?! So what if you aren't a ninja anymore!? You just gonna quit being you now, is that it? You're Uzumaki Naruto, and you never go back on your word no matter what, right?! Forget being Hokage, there are a ton of things you can be, and you'll be the best there ever was at it, yeah! I'm Uzumaki Naruto, and I will be the greatest, and then everyone will have to see me for who I am! Now… what exactly am I going to be great at? Just went full circle there back to being clueless… just freaking perfect." He hung his head as the echoing caws of a bird outside cried 'baka' several times.

Suddenly his head swung up and his eyes burned intensely with the same fire that had been dimmed just moments ago, his little pep talk obviously having the desired effect of rekindling his spirits. With a pumped fist he glared challengingly into the mirror, "No more dwelling on it, actions are better than words. Yosh!"

Clad in the same shorts from the night before and a new black short sleeved shirt with the Uzu swirld on the chest he plopped down into the seat he'd been occupying during his binge drinking. The paperwork was neatly piled according to their relevance around the table for his ease of perusing. He found the stack of seals that Jiraiya had told him about the previous evening neatly piled under a wax sealed scroll, the wax shaped into a flame symbol that he recognized from the coat the Yondaime had always been famous for wearing. The thought that the symbol was his father's personal crest brought a warmth to Naruto, along with the longing ache that thinking of his long lost parents always inadvertently caused. As his fingers ran over the small bit of icy cold wax he hesitated… he wasn't sure why, but he began to doubt himself. This was the most important thing that his parents had left behind for him… was he a worthy enough son to accept it? Had he lived up to their expectations? Were they proud of him, or cursing his existence like so many of his fellow villagers?

Naruto let loose a grunt before biting his own lip, which of course brought a yelp from his mouth, but through the pain he scowled at himself, "Baka, the hell are you doing? Didn't we just have a talk in the bathroom? If they aren't happy with you then you just have to work that much harder until they acknowledge you too, 'ttebayo!"

With his resolve now steeled and his eagerness renewed Naruto quickly broke the wax seal and unrolled the scroll. As expected it was a letter, though unexpectedly it was addressed to him. The handwriting was so fluid and beautiful, he almost couldn't believe it was something so casual as a simple instructional note. Truly Namikaze Minato was well versed with seals if he could dedicate such detail to a simple letter.

 _Dear Naruto,_

 _My boy, the likelihood of you reading this is so-so, and if you are then that means your mother and I met an untimely death. Such is the way of the world we live in my son, and if the two of us are truly gone, then I want you to know that nothing either of us accomplished in our lives came close to our creation of you. Your mother and I fell into a love the stuff of fairytales, and you my son are the ultimate proof of that bond we shared. Everyday that I look at her carrying you in her belly, I find myself incapable of asking for anything greater in the world than to simply spend my life teaching you, encouraging you, and watching you grow into an even greater man than me. You may wonder how I know you are a boy, well Kushi-chan, your mom, couldn't wait to get the gender test results back. Before you worry, you should know that she wanted her first born to be a boy that she could nurture into a fine young man, and an excellent big brother for the whole litter she had planned._

 _I certainly hope that she got her wish and we were able to have a few pups before this letter became necessary, but again, that is how life is. As of the moment you are reading this, that must mean that you have grown into a young man, one that I am sure I can be proud of if Jiraiya gave you this. He is a lecherous old perv, but he is an excellent judge of character when he puts his mind to it. Anyway, before I start to ramble again, let me tell you about your inheritance. You see, as an orphan I grew up without much faith in banks and businesses in charge of holding money or items of importance, so I sought a means to protect what was ours without ourside assistance. Now, Jiraiya will likely have told you a story about my discovering some inter dimensional pocket or something by accident. That is only partially true, I am afraid… see, this is something I wanted only our blood to understand._

 _The truth was that I spent months trying to break through the barriers of time and space in order to create a better, more efficient Storage Seall capable of holding exponentially more matter than the current standards, while simultaneously being durable enough to sustain heavy damage while keeping the sealed matter intact. Imagine the possibility of storing, say, an entire home in times of emergency? I planned to create such a seal in order to protect the family fortune by simply sealing away an entire room of our family home and keeping the vault empty as a decoy. What I discovered was not a simple storage dimension like I had hoped, but an entire new world of endless doors… yes, endless doors. I know it sounds like a load of crap, so stop staring at the letter with that face!_

Naruto took a moment to stop reading and rub a hand over his face. His father was some kind of comedian… joy. True, he had been sporting a rather severe grimace of disbelief, but did his dad have to assume he was that predictable? He was supposed to be the most unpredicatable person in the Elemental Nations damn it! He recovered from his childish grumbling and got back to the scroll, only for his eye brow to twitch violently.

 _Are we finished sulking? Good, now focus. I tested this strange Gateway dimension several times with countless mundane objects to see if they would be destroyed if the key to open our dimension's door was damaged or destroyed, and every test came back with positive results. Everything we gathered over the years was stored away in one of the doors in that dimension, and all you have to do is simply focus your mind on the door that you require and the rest will vanish. Word of warning: Do not… open… any… of the other… doors. I cannot stress to you enough the importance of not tampering with the barriers between dimensions. The only reason I felt confident enough to open the door that I used was because I'd been thinking of a place to store our things and that door practically leapt at me, almost eager to be of use. The whole place is pretty trippy, so do try to go in with an open mind… and sober._

 _In order to get started, you have to apply one of those seal tags on the palm of your hand, either one it doesn't matter. It is going to hurt like nothing you have ever felt in your life, but that is because it will be applying a rather permanent seal to your body, one that cannot be weakened by the loss of skin over time and will repair itself through the use of your blood and chakra in the event it is damaged in battle. I would suggest being prone on a bedroll or yoga mat, and perhaps applying a silencing seal on your neck so that you cannot scream and tear apart your throat. You… have been learning how to use seals… right? No son of mine would neglect the more scholarly of shinobi arts in favor of flashy Ninjutsu or Kenjutsu, right? Stop trying to avoid looking at the letter and face my words like a man, damn you!_

"The hell was he, some kind of fortune teller? Kami…" Naruto huffed before skipping past a full paragraph describing how important studying was to a growing boy trying to become a shinobi.

 _Now that you've skipped my ranting let's get back to business. After the seal finishes applying, which should last about five minutes, you will need to walk up to a wall and perform the following set of hand seals three times: Boar-Horse-Snake. After the third set your hand will glow, you will then place the forefinger of that hand on the wall about a foot above your head, and then trace your hand down to the floor. If everything has been done properly a door will appear accompanied by a ripping sound, much like the tearing of paper. From there, simply open the door and enter, and then follow the steps I spoke of earlier in this letter. As long as you have a firm desire to return home you will always be able to find your way back, even if you lose sight of the original door. If you haven't figured out what I mean… well then you really are your mother's son. Don't tell her I wrote that…_

 _There really isn't much else to say besides good luck, Kami speed, and do try to be a good boy. And make sure to give your mother lots of gran-_

Naruto stopped reading the letter and gently folded it up so that he could store it away somewhere special. There was more to read, and he knew eventually he would have to read it or else it would bug him forever, but not yet. He put the letter back into the manila envelope that Jiraiya had left behind, and after a moment of thought he did the same with the rest of his documents so that only a single copy of the special seal was left. He wondered idly why his father had made so many if they were so durable, until he realized it would be for his… his possible offspring so that the family line would always have access to the treasury and jutsu libraries. He gave a frustrated sigh as he shook the familiar thoughts from his mind, he had to focus on the now and leave such things for the future, should things change for the better in the future.

The seal papers were small, nearly the size of his palm, which he figured made perfect sense. He took a seat on the floor clear away from anything that he could accidentally bang his body into before he settled the slip of parchment in his left palm. He hesitantly bit into his right thumb before letting blood drip onto the paper, all the while applying some chakra through his left hand. He nearly jumped to his feet when the sheet of paper suddenly adhered to his palm and the ink began to glow an intense blue. In that instant, much like he had been promise, pain unlike anything in the world burned in his hand and slowly crept up his arm like he'd been given some kind of insane poison. He fell back, his head snapping against the old wood floor, and his vision filled with sparks and fireworks. To his credit the loudest sound he produced was a gurgling that came from a buildup of spittle in the back of his throat. Five minutes of unbearable hell passed in what could very well have been hours if you asked Naruto for his opinion.

When the pain subsided Naruto lay on the floor panting and clenching every muscle in his body in an attempt to keep the pain from resurging. When he felt confident that it was over his body went limp and he loosed a breath he hadn't been aware of holding, "Fuck… if I ever see dad… I'm going to kill him."

The teen sat up slowly when he heard the sound of someone pounding on his door, the insistent knocking giving him a pretty good idea of who was on the other side, "Oh good, this is happening now." As the knocking recurred he groaned and stood to his feet before making his way to the door.

He stopped just as he was about to attempt to turn the lock, remembering Jiraiya's warning. He looked to his thumb and saw that the fox had healed up his bite wound all ready. Sighing in irritation he bit down on his thumb again before smearing a healthy amount of blood over the door like he'd been instructed. As per the norm for such sealing methods the tag appeared before giving a small burst of visible chakra to signify the barrier had been broken. With the danger passed he opened the door only to come face first with a fist drilling into his jaw and sending him clear across his living area and into the wall next to his balcony slider. He loosed a groan as his head spun and his eyes tried to focus on the angry, pink haired girl at his door.

"Naruto… what the hell were you thinking?!" Sakura screamed with her all too familiar shrill anger.

Naruto slowly stood up on shaky legs as he tried to regain his composure. Having a slight hangover, mild chakra exhaustion, and a hand that was still burning from the seal application was enough, now he was probably enduring a concussion, "Good morning Sakura, please do come in and wipe your feet before you continue to pummel me, why don't you?"

The girl growled while flexing the fingers of her right hand, each knuckle popping as she prepared to throttle him. A familiar platinum blonde peeked her head around the edge of the doorframe to eye her best friend warily, "Sakura… didn't you say you just wanted to come over here and talk to him about it?"

"Come on, Ino-san, didn't you hear her talking a second ago?" Naruto used a playful tone to try and ease the tension, "This is just how we have our chats…"

Naruto laughed a few times before being cut off as his shirt was pulled into a tight grip and his entire upper body was shaken violently back and forth, "You baka, why the hell did you tell Tsunade-sama that you weren't going to renew your shinobi license?! Why would you quit?! Isn't this part of your idiotic ninja way, huh?! Never giving up, never going back on your word?!"

Sakura was too far gone with her raving to notice that Naruto wasn't resisting, that his eyes were staring off to the side with very little color or life. Ino on the other hand had noticed and rushed over to try and stop her friend from further damaging her fellow blonde, "Sakura, stop! You aren't even giving him a chance to speak!"

Sakura froze in her tirade to look around at Ino and retort, but then both of them were startled when Naruto began to chuckle. They turned to face him and saw that he had his eyes shut and that he was honestly chuckling in amusement. When he spoke he gave a small shrug of his slightly jostled shoulders, "It's not a good idea to try and fight it, Ino. It usually gets worse unless you just ride it out. And trying to talk is pointless as well. She normally doesn't want to actually hear what I have to say, she just wants me to understand that she is angry."

Sakura frowned and let go of his shirt, his body slumping to the floor in a heap before he sprang back up to his feet, the only damage done being a bit of dust that he had to pat off his clothes. While Sakura stood debating internally with herself, Ino stepped forward to eye him up and down, "Okay, where's your usual outfit? There's hardly any orange on you right now, and it's a little disconcerting."

Naruto snorted and walked over to his travel bag before dumping out the contents of the main pocket over his messy bed covers, a few cowbells rattling comically on the floor as the bed was disturbed, "I don't wear much orange in my casual, around the house, civilian clothes ya know. These here were all my shinobi gear, even if they were a bit of an eye sore. I mean I love orange, but this was the only ninja outfit the retailers would sell me. I was lucky they let me have these, though I am a bit suspicious that they didn't have an idea how useful they really were, otherwise I would likely have been sold nothing. These puppies have tons of pockets, places for armor plates, and the material is slightly more durable against the elements than regular jackets and pants. The newer ones you see here are ones Jiraiya bought for me. They have a bit more black so they fit better for the lifestyle, though I was planning on changing things up as soon as possible."

"Wait, you say you had these plans, but then you quit? Did you hit your head?" Ino was so utterly confused. When she'd heard the news she was surprised, but it wasn't exactly something that would effect her so she had let it go. It wasn't until she met up with her teammates that she understood the gravity of the situation. Shikamaru and Choji, while both obsessed with one ridiculous thing or another, were both distraught by the news. They'd both spent years playing hooky with Naruto in their youth, so they knew he'd always had big plans, and his enthusiasm had always helped to drive them further than their laziness would have allowed otherwise. Shikamaru quickly dismissed her worries over his mood, though his usual apathy for training seemed different… more genuine.

With her oldest and closest friends feeling so down she knew she had to get to the bottom of things and quickly. Being the Gossip Queen of Konoha had it's advantages, though even her extensive network of informants proved unsuccessful at gathering anything specific. With her personnel failing she ran to the one she was the most reluctant to question: her complicated best friend Sakura. Their relationship had been on the mend ever since the catalyst of their falling out had been absent from the equation, but it was slow moving. When she arrived at the Haruno home she found Sakura questioning her mother Mebuki about the council meeting that had hijacked her teammate on their way back from Suna, though Ino could tell that the conversation was headed no where.

With the hour being so late, and Sakura having even less information than her, the two hesitantly agreed to visit Naruto and get their answers from the source the next morning. Of course Ino was anxious, after all she barely knew Naruto outside of his antics while out in public, and she certainly had never been over to his home. What mattered wasn't her comfort however, it was her two lazy bum buddies who really needed to understand what was going on, and it was up to Special Investigator Yamanaka Ino to crack this case, and maybe the skull of one Uzumaki Naruto for putting everyone through such emotional turmoil. And that was how the young Yamanaka princess found herself walking to the seedy red light district of Konoha with Sakura and playing witness to battery and domestic abuse.

Naruto looked at Ino with a slightly confused look on his face, "You don't know? I thought Inoichi was your dad. I'm sure he could tell you more."

Ino crossed her arms under her chest and huffed indignantly, "I don't need to go begging Daddy for information, I am perfectly capable of finding things out on my own."

Naruto sighed deeply and put his hands up in surrender, "Take it easy beautiful, I didn't mean it like that. I was told that all the clan heirs had gone home to ask about what happened with me at the council meeting. Now that I think about it that probably wouldn't count for you, you were never my biggest fan back in the academy so this sort of news wouldn't be a big deal."

Ino went slightly pink at the nickname he'd given her as she eyed him with a mock angry glare, "For your information buddy, I do care, a lot! Now spill the beans and explain why you bailed on being a shinobi." She tried to lace her command with her no-nonsense, unarguable tone.

Naruto stared at her blankly for a few minutes before blinking, "I upset Shika and Choji, didn't I…?" His voice was a bit lower, and this caught the attention of both girls, Sakura snapping out of her introspection at the sound of a Naruto she'd only ever seen once.

Sakura stepped forward and looked into Naruto's eyes as she spoke, her voice much softer than before, much the same way she would address one of her patients in the hospital, "Naruto… what happened to you? What went on in that council meeting?"

Naruto gestured for the two of them to settle down at the table while he sauntered into the kitchen to see about heating some water, "Before I get into it, do either of you want tea? It isn't anything special, just some green tea that I grew in my garden a while back."

Sakura and Ino took the seats Naruto and Jiraiya had taken the night before and settled in to relax. Sakura declined while Ino perked up a bit when she heard that he had a garden, "You said you grew it yourself?"

Naruto settled the kettle down to heat before walking over and leaning on the back of the chair he'd soon be taking once the tea was ready, "Yeah, I used to grow whatever I could get my hands on as a kid, though it took a lot of hard work to learn the proper amount of care needed. The tea was really challenging, but having my own home grown tea leaves saved me a lot of money, and it tasted way better fresh too. My garden is outside the window there, not much else I can do with such a small space to work with, but the plants love it. Lots of sun."

Ino gave a big smile toward the former shinobi while leaning forward on the table, "That's pretty cool. It's weird you've never come by the shop. We keep tons of seeds on hand for sale and plenty of information pamphlets are out for people to read on proper care and planting cycles."

Naruto gave the back of his head a rub while chuckling nervously, a sign Sakura easily recognized as his universal 'that's a touchy subject' tick. When he spoke he kept his eyes shut in a foxy smile, "Ahh, sounds pretty amazing, yeah. Probably not the best place for me to go though, long way from this district, wouldn't want to waste anyone's time with a bunch of questions either… time is money, ya."

Ino gave a confused look as she could sense something off in his mannerisms. She wasn't just the pretty little daughter of the village's most renowned psychologist, he'd been mentoring her for years to understand nervous ticks and poker faces. Seeing Naruto's default defense mechanism first hand with three years of training under her belt she couldn't believe she hadn't noticed it before. How many times had he behaved like that in front of their class in the academy when asked something he claimed to not understand? How many times had he brushed off insults and beatings in the playgrounds and during spars with the same actions. Arms behind his head… eyes nearly shut… nervous laughter… lame grin.

She resisted the urge to narrow her eyes as she replied, "I know you're hiding something from me, Uzumaki Naruto, now tell the truth: what's really keeping you from visiting the shop?"

Naruto contemplated her words for a few moments before giving a loud sigh, "Ya know what, fuck it. Truth is I am not allowed into your family shop or near the greenhouses. Once when I was bout… erm… five I think? Whatever, I wandered near the Yamanaka Clan greenhouses and I was looking around at all the beautiful flowers. Your mom and a few of the other Yamanaka women caught me and ran me out while beating on me with broom sticks like I was a rat. Said if they ever caught me there again they would fetch some of their ninja to teach me a lesson."

Naruto heard the kettle give a low whistle so he ran over to finish brewing the tea properly. He went about fetching some honey and getting things going while Ino watched him, her face a wall of shocked disbelief. As far as she remembered her mother would never behave like that. The woman was so calm, cool, and elegant that one could hardly believe she had ever been a kunoichi. The only thing that had taken the woman away from field work was her pregnancy, and then she'd grown so accustomed to the civilian life that she dedicated her time to running the clan's political duties so that her husband could keep up his work with T&I without overwhelming himself. Surely Naruto was playing one of his practical jokes with her, and it didn't sit right with her. Damned if she wasn't thinking Naruto was as troublesome as Shikamaru often said he was.

When Naruto rejoined them at the table he brought a small, cracked pot of brewed tea along with three cups and a small jar of honey. His own cup was full and prepared for him to sip away, but before he could relax a hand slapped against the table jostling everything a bit and causing Sakura and Naruto both to jump and face Ino. Ino's face wasn't outright furious, but there was a tinge of red on her cheeks to show that her blood was pumping a bit, "I don't believe a word of that crap, Naruto. My mother would never treat a kid like that, in fact neither would any of the other clansmen. If you don't want to answer a simple question then just say so, don't spread outrageous lies about my family."

Sakura inwardly groaned when she heard Ino's adamant defense of her mother. She of course agreed with her long time best friend and rival, but Ino didn't know just how stubborn Naruto was. Any moment now he would stand up and scream about his honor and never lying to anyone if it could hurt someone that didn't deserve it. It would lead to another of his passionate speeches that, while charismatic, would make others want to bash his brains in. Imagine Sakura's surprise when no retort came back, not even a growl of irritation or the grumblings of a wounded ego. She turned her soft green eyes on Naruto and blinked as she watched him shake off the accusation while sipping at his tea.

After allowing a minute to pass in silence Ino grew impatient with his refusal to acknowledge her and answer the question properly, "You baka, say something! At least apologize!"

Naruto set his tea down with a resounding snap before looking toward Ino with a lazy expression on his face, "Apologize for what now?"

"For accusing my mother of being so… so… horrible! I know my mom, and she would never-" Ino's thoughts were interrupted by Naruto holding up a hand to silence her. She fumed at the gesture, but when she saw his eyes and how serious he looked her mouth snapped shut like a bear trap.

"I never said your mother was a horrible person. I merely told you about my brief relationship with your mother. She found me, she chased me away, and she banned my return to your clan properties. Also, if I heard right, you mentioned she would never act that way with a kid? I suppose in this case you would technically be spot on, because at the time she didn't see a kid." He got more tea for himself to refill his cup as well as warm up what was left of the first cup, "I think we've wandered a little far away from the original topic so let's focus shall we? Besides, you two probably have work at the hospital and training to get to before the sun gets too far in the sky. The reason why I handed in my forehead protector…"

Ino's anger and confusion quickly washed away in favor of getting the answers that she'd originally come for. Leaning forward she kept her focus solely on Naruto's face to catch any hints that he was lying or speaking half-truths. Sakura was just as intent on hearing whatever the blonde boy had to say, no matter what it was, because she was sure she could debate him and convince him to come back to the shinobi force. Seeing that he had their undivided attention Naruto finished his second cup of tea, let out a content sigh, and then let his eyes lock with Ino's.

 **~End Line~**

 **Decided to end this with a cliffy, sort of, meh it got to be too long and I have other things I want to work on. Any who, Read-Review-Share with ya homehs, what have you!**

 **From Kohai with love, my beautiful Senpais.**


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